Community in communion

After spending so long searching, praying and waiting for ‘where’ I should be – I found it, and as I have mentioned in previous posts it led to me joining a family – The Church.  Bursting with enthusiasm, I was so excited at the prospect of finally finding where I was meant to be all these years.  Everything made sense – the missing pieces were found.

But this last week has been such a tremendous test – living in relative solitude is how I prefer to live anyway, but we all have our flaws and needs;  I became lethargic, and perhaps a little apathetic towards my formal prayer routine.  It’s possible that I overloaded myself and burnt out – something not unique to my faith.

Although it feels like everything is falling apart, I realise that it will pass – and my spiritual father told me that time will help, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating.  I thank God daily for everything He has done for and given me, yet I feel like I don’t give enough back.

I suppose this is one of the difficulties in living in solitude, away from ones spiritual family and Church – combined with negative aspects of my personality which make me require constant encouragement and purpose.  Having a cold or flu I find tries to take away focus too…  another frustration.

Before returning to Orthodoxy, I found going to church provided a boost through the Anglican/Anglo-Catholic or (Roman) Tridentine Mass and daily, communal prayer; I suppose as a lone Orthodox layman I just feel limited and even more isolated at the moment.  As He says: “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” (Matthew 18:20).  Speaking to my spiritual family does provide some relief – and although I’m not a great conversationalist (I tend to waffle!) – I find our conversations most rejuvinating and boost-providing.

I am, however, fortunate to have the opportunity to participate in the Divine Liturgy again soon – and although it feels like many months since Father and Sr. were here, it has only now been one month exactly.  Spiritually, I feel like I’m “high maintenance”.

Ultimately, I have God on my side – and I am prepared to fight for Him; for what is right.  I knew it was going to be bumpy, and this is my opportunity to pursue my ‘destiny’ (or rather, Will of God), if such a thing exists.

I need to remind myself that although I am praying alone, physically, I am not praying alone.

Apologies for a long, and ranty post which probably doesn’t make much sense;  I write here as if it is a journal, for my own reference – but I do hope some of it you may find comfort in not being alone.

 

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