After spending so long searching, praying and waiting for ‘where’ I should be – I found it, and as I have mentioned in previous posts it led to me joining a family – The Church. Bursting with enthusiasm, I was so excited at the prospect of finally finding where I was meant to be all these years. Everything made sense – the missing pieces were found.
But this last week has been such a tremendous test – living in relative solitude is how I prefer to live anyway, but we all have our flaws and needs; I became lethargic, and perhaps a little apathetic towards my formal prayer routine. It’s possible that I overloaded myself and burnt out – something not unique to my faith.
Although it feels like everything is falling apart, I realise that it will pass – and my spiritual father told me that time will help, but that doesn’t make it any less frustrating. I thank God daily for everything He has done for and given me, yet I feel like I don’t give enough back.
I suppose this is one of the difficulties in living in solitude, away from ones spiritual family and Church – combined with negative aspects of my personality which make me require constant encouragement and purpose. Having a cold or flu I find tries to take away focus too… another frustration.
Before returning to Orthodoxy, I found going to church provided a boost through the Anglican/Anglo-Catholic or (Roman) Tridentine Mass and daily, communal prayer; I suppose as a lone Orthodox layman I just feel limited and even more isolated at the moment. As He says: “For where two or three are gathered together in my name, there am I in the midst of them.” (Matthew 18:20). Speaking to my spiritual family does provide some relief – and although I’m not a great conversationalist (I tend to waffle!) – I find our conversations most rejuvinating and boost-providing.
I am, however, fortunate to have the opportunity to participate in the Divine Liturgy again soon – and although it feels like many months since Father and Sr. were here, it has only now been one month exactly. Spiritually, I feel like I’m “high maintenance”.
Ultimately, I have God on my side – and I am prepared to fight for Him; for what is right. I knew it was going to be bumpy, and this is my opportunity to pursue my ‘destiny’ (or rather, Will of God), if such a thing exists.
I need to remind myself that although I am praying alone, physically, I am not praying alone.
Apologies for a long, and ranty post which probably doesn’t make much sense; I write here as if it is a journal, for my own reference – but I do hope some of it you may find comfort in not being alone.